These are some thoughts about dealing with the emotions surrounding death and a funeral.
Your thoughts and experience may be of great assistance to
others. If there are words -- either your own or from others -- that have
helped you through this passage, please Contact
Us. We will publish them on afuneralinbc.com.
Coping With A Death That Is Anticipated
No matter how difficult, discussing a loved one's last wishes may be your best way of coping with death. Not just the practical matters, but the deeply personal remembrances that so connect the living with the departed: a favourite photograph, the choice of music or flowers, the spoken words, a significant memento.
Knowing these final wishes were carried out may provide you with the map to get you through the hardest of times.
Planning in advance, you will be more able to satisfy these individual requests. (Maybe you've seen the movie where the funeral service included the deceased's favourite pastime, a Bingo game. Personal touches may take time to organize.)
Friends often ask for ways to help. With enough time, you can assign tasks to others: preparing food for a reception, driving you where and when necessary, organizing places to stay for out-of-town relatives, writing the obituary, preparing decorations for the funeral chapel or place of worship.
You will quickly determine which friends are genuine in their offer to help and which others, for whatever reason, are not. And, when the time comes, you will know on whom to rely.
Practically speaking, with advanced notice, you will also be able to find the most competitive price, something that's not always possible when a death surprises us.
Explaining Death To A Child
Conventional wisdom is to let children come to understand the meaning of death in their own time.
Most children under three years of age cannot be expected to have any concept of death nor will most children fully understand its finality until they are nine. (John F. Kennedy, Jr., said he had no recollection of saluting at his father's funeral.)
Care is the critical element. A good approach is not to press the issue and instead answer children's questions, reassuring them and guiding them through any grieving process they may have.
Depending on age, attending the funeral may help a child to realize what death is. It may be helpful for a child to share in the experience and in the faith of the family. But, if children do not want to attend, forcing them to is not usually helpful.
If children do want to attend, explaining to them in advance what they can expect, helps prepare them for the emotions they may well encounter.
Most funeral providers have brochures, videos and other materials to help guide you through this process.
Being your natural self can be difficult. (Just ask most people how ill at ease they feel at a cocktail party.)
Knowing what to say can also be difficult. (On his first day of work as a doctor, a young man was asked by an elderly dying patient, "Doctor, will I go to Heaven?" The doctor did not know how to answer. He had taken no classes on the subject. He had no idea of what "the right answer" was.)
There are, however, very appropriate responses to a mourning friend. The most important is your presence at the funeral or memorial service, for nothing is as personal and significant at that moment as simply being there. Your presence, like the funeral itself, will always be remembered.
At the service or the reception, talk with the mourners. Let them know how you feel. Exchange a story or two about the departed. You may be uncomfortable about what to say, but mourners are seldom offended by honest expressions of support.
A personal expression is always preferable. Send a card. Comfort and support are always more appreciated than an expensive gift.
Be Honest. It is important, however, not to ask "Is there anything I can do?" or suggest people call on you for help -- if you are unable to follow through.
Mourners may be confronting grief that is impossible to comprehend, and they can be easily upset. Better simply to express your sympathy than make promises that you will have to break.
From QUIET MOMENTS,
A Collection of Prayers & Meditations
Edited by Lyn Whittall & Judy Hager
vineandfig@telus.net
Published With Permission
A change actually occurs between two persons when one promises sincerely to pray for the other.
The former has actually placed himself into a new kind of relationship with the one to whom he has made the promise. He has committed himself to the other's world of personal concern. He has, in other words, made himself present to the one in need in a new and vital way.
Promising a prayer is not the same as making a mental footnote to say an "Our Father" at a later date; neither is it some kind of imaginary benevolence comparable to a shouted "Good luck" or "Bon Voyage!"
It means that we have redefined ourselves in relationship to our friend or acquaintance, that we have enlarged the boundaries of ourselves in order to stand closer to the other at a time when that is exactly what he needs.
A shift occurs when we cast the votes of our time, attention, and prayers for another human being. We are, through the power of the spirit and the reality of our commitment, with them in a new and vitalizing way.
In other words, the person who means it when he prays for another has given something of himself to that person. He communicates faith, hope and love in a truly loving way.
Father Eugene Kennedy
From QUIET MOMENTS,
A Collection of Prayers & Meditations
Edited by Lyn Whittall & Judy Hager
vineandfig@telus.net
Published With Permission
May I, please,
weep for a bit
in your arms,
like a child
looking for comfort,
would you please,
hold me fast,
until my faltering feet
are able
to carry me again?
Don't be afraid,
don't look for words,
let's be silent,
I've been talked to
and listened to
so much...
I feel empty.
Just let me
weep for a bit,
afford me a chance to give free course,
to my unshed tears,
clasp me
in your arms,
press my head
on to your heart,
until I,
tired with weeping,
relieved,
am able
to proceed again.
Theo van Domburg-Mans
